99 Sense

Girl, I Need To Check Out Your Box

2009-11-04T03:39:00.002-05:00

I'm like the gynecologist of Engrish. Defa Lucy is my favorite. If I were an pimp she'd be the top ho in my stable. Her box always pleases.

Mermaid, Princess, and a Frog Prince? Fairytailz. Ur doin it rong.

She might also be a tranny. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Are they saying she's high on cocaine?

Um, yes. There might also be some dust involved.

This btw, is from the front of the same box. I know you're high but pick a season, ditz.

That would have made more sense on the front of this box.

Enhance.

Mmm she just wore em up. Not a scrap left. And then she slowly dipped, she dip, she dip.

I don't care how beautiful, I would vanquish those demonic suits, just showing up, season after season...

Huh...

I love that it's the pencil holder that is aware of this knowledge now.

I think the tiny computer and Chris Brown should have a face off to see who can transform ya most.

Happy Family, Gay Dad. See how he's reaching for that purse, even with a broken arm?

I thought that was Mary Jane.

Her question-finger is in the right place, but question mark...not so much.

Ah, happiest childhood memories, walking away from the bar. What is this Defa anyway that it has a bar, and a Lucy?

Dat Scat

2009-07-02T20:32:00.000-04:00

I really don't know what is up with the bathroom decoration situation at 99 Cent stores, but we've previously seen these wall hangings of old people on the toilet and statuettes of kids on toilets. I recently went to a 99 cent store in downtown brooklyn and stumbled upon these other wall hangings. I would like to be a fly on the wall in a production or design meeting at the companies that make these things.

I don't want to see his old balls or anything, but that could get really messy.

What is abuela holding on to so tightly? She's totally hurting her hemorrhoids. And the gato.

This is where it gets really fucked up. I'm not going to say a thing.

Oh. Bah. Mah.

2009-06-22T16:09:00.004-04:00

First we heard about Obama Fried Chicken here in New York. Two of them in fact. This one also sells Pizza. This Obama 99¢ and General Store amazingness was captured in Cambria Heights, Queens. and sent to me by my friend Billy.

As Seen On TV

2009-06-03T00:42:00.003-04:00

On Monday's premiere of The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien he went to a 99¢ Only store in Los Angeles and picked up a can of Boing! soda before throwing it in the gutter. I happened to be watching TV, and have a habit of taking pictures of the screen when it pauses, so I snapped it.

On My Wavelength

2009-05-20T11:11:00.003-04:00

Party Shirt #1
Originally uploaded by zsumoz

My friend sent me a link to this flickr set of t-shirts that were originally corny statement tees from a dollar store, and were altered to say something else. All of the black ink is original to the shirt and the red has been added. I love them and want to be friends with the people that made them.

China Is Amazing

2009-05-12T10:27:00.004-04:00

I was just talking to my friend Tone Tank about how amazingly China spits our culture back at us, remix style. This is a great example.

Let's look at all of the ways this is amazing.
1. Bat Superman!
2. Val Kilmer and George Clooney as Batman on the package.
3. Gold flaming thighs.
4. The Wind-up toy, classic army crawling stance, with guns (we all know neither Batman nor Superman uses guns.)
5. The idea that Batman and Superman enjoying their pleasure together would create something like this.

I need to think real hard about where I saw this last week, and go back and buy it.

Do You Ever Have That Not So Fresh Feeling?

2009-05-08T11:15:00.004-04:00

No

Crotchblock it with

Take two of these

And call me in the morning.

Quick To The Point

2009-05-07T04:18:00.002-04:00

To the point, no fakin'.

Now I've Seen Everything

2009-05-05T02:08:00.003-04:00

If you stare into this guy's eyebrows long enough he will whistle out a genie. Swear.

April Fools

2009-04-01T15:02:00.002-04:00

Truthfully, I would like this better if it were novelty ass crack, a fake butt you can strap on, and fool your friends into thinking you got ass raped with a plunger like Abner Louima, but that's sick and I'll just pretend I never thought that.

Go Shorty. It's Ya...

2009-03-25T10:00:00.005-04:00

On this very special episode of 99 Sense, a shoutout goes to the birthday boy. My special friend, and the aristocrat of bumboclaat. A dashing and dynamic being. The always debonair, carrier of the distinct air of individuality. A co-conspiritor in nastyness, the one and only Cavalier. Rapper. Artist. Hustler and haver of the illest techniques to save chicks from dying of alcohol poisoning.
The first time I ever met this dude, it was just like the bottle says - fast absorbing. And as far as the rest of the label goes...I'll never tell. ;)

Some Kind Of Wonderful

2009-03-13T18:22:00.004-04:00

I just noticed this separated at birth:

and Mary Stuart Masterson! Right?!

Carry on with your lives now.

Your Blue Heaven

2009-03-11T19:54:00.006-04:00

To the azuliest woman I know and her lovely lady love, this post is for you. You see how it all comes together? I think you should create a dance move called the Fruit Rolls. Make it your signature, and tell it Kangsta sent you.

Wig Crypt Chick

2009-03-11T19:21:00.003-04:00

Doesn't this chick straight up look like Kim Zolciak from the Real Housewives of Atlanta? Somebody ought to ring that heifer up and tell her that her cancer/not cancer and it's less than yaki weave accessory has been ressurected from the depths of her imaginary biopsy and is coming to get her like she's starring in a japanese horror movie.

Yay Girl Yay!

2009-03-10T15:41:00.004-04:00

No tuck is everlasting. RuPaul is letting it all hang out. I've been a big fan of RuPaul for quite some time. I think his drag steez is so on point, and not over the top like a lot of the ugly overdone characters I've seen put on. I watched his show on VH1 (I miss you too Michelle Visage) and If I had cable right now I'd have his Drag Race show on DVR, never to be deleted. This post goes out to my boy James, my college-era RuPartner in crime, I love you deep, honey in my closet. You betta work!

Me

2009-03-08T18:48:00.004-04:00

Damn right, I can. Buhlee dat.

Like Method Man and Mary J.

2009-03-07T21:27:00.002-05:00

To get by. La Da.

Kotext Message

2009-03-06T11:55:00.005-05:00

The sole reason for this post is to show you this Kotex TV ad from down under, pun intended.

No Love

2009-03-06T10:47:00.003-05:00

Oh, sad sacks! I spotted this photo of Jennifer Love Hewitt on a cheap box of perfume. Although for some inexplicable reason The Ghost Whisperer is a successful show and she can't possibly be that bad off, in the past year we've all seen her Party of Five for a backside, and she broke up with her Feyoncé Knowles. So, I thought it was kind of funny that this article on The Insider referred to her as being bummed.

Anne Hathaway Ain't Shit

2009-03-05T10:28:00.007-05:00

A few days ago, I read about this band The Vassarettes that was put together for the purpose of promoting this brand of women's lingerie. They are contractually obligated to perform in their underwear. I also happen to have a group of rockin female friends who all went to Vassar College, so I immediately had to send them a link to what I'd read. I haven't seen a few of these lovely ladies in a minute, so I have written this poem, and am dedicating this post to them.

I want to see you (In your underwear) ⓒ Kangsta 2009

drop
your pants
lets dance.

meet you guys at The Mug at midnight next Founders Day, ok? I'll supply the boyshorts.

Dropping The Balls

2009-03-04T12:01:00.009-05:00

Yenifel and Nanky, the couple down the road with the mean goat are the proud parents of a beautiful little girl, Usnavi. In the Dominican Republic, there is a high incidence of this biological syndrome that they locally call Guevedoces. That translates to "eggs at 12." "Eggs" are slang for testicles, and the age of 12 is typically when puberty begins. Do you see where I am going with this? See, little Usnavi in her pretty dresses, and frilly socks one day started to feel strange. Something started growing from her lower abdomen. Surprise. Dick surprise. Dude looked like a lady. What I'm trying to tell you is, although the Dominican Republic may have the hottest girls, If I were you, I wouldn't stake any early claims to betroth a Dominican girl. I'd wait to find out whether or not she turns out to be a man or a woman.

Something Special, Girl...

2009-03-03T12:16:00.003-05:00

It's no bitch in a box.

Girls Girls Girls

2009-03-02T13:02:00.006-05:00

March is women's history month, so this blog is about to get super femmed out. This one goes out to Foxy Brown, Planned Parenthood, sick grannies, prescriptions of valtrex, and those of you ladies who keep it tight, aiight.

Perfection

2009-03-02T09:02:00.004-05:00

Spotted on Brooklyn's New Lots Ave. I bet this place was the bomb.

Love, No Limit

2009-02-28T14:11:00.010-05:00

Wake up, wake up, wake up it's the 1st of the month. I am excited to kick this one off with a report about this very special place that I finally found the other day. You see, months, and perhaps even as much as a year ago, a pair of my best people were out in the Coney Island/Brighton Beach/Sheepshead Bay area getting what some people believe is earth's most superior pizza and baklava, and reported back to me that they saw a 99¢ store with it's own parking lot (rare commodity in nyc) that looked kind of like a castle. I knew I had to go. And on two other occasions, myself and the lady of the pair have attempted to find this magical kingdom, but were not successful. On Thursday, we took the car out on another one of our frequent journeys of random, and lo and behold, we finally found the promised land. I present to you, Brooklyn's finest bargain shopping secret - 99¢ The Limit: "The Superstore"

This store is a 99 cent store in the truest sense. So many of the 99 cent stores around the city are 99 cents and more, heavy on the more. Everything here is 99 cents, or less. You can even buy by multiples.

There is no way I wouldn't love this place, but it became really obvious that this was going to be a special experience while we waited patiently for a parking space. You see this sign?

and this is how people were parked.

I love idiots.
So yeah, this store sells everything, from the hardware store, to your undergarment drawer. Frozen foods, and fresh bread, including kosher goods. They even had a section specializing in treats, toys and decoration for Purim baskets.

The patrons of the store by majority are Russian jews (orthodox and non), and Latinos and that's to be expected in that particular neighborhood. It makes for a ton of great people watching.

What up, Grams? I like ya style.

So to be completely serious for a few seconds, 99¢ The Limit is actually a really good store if you're broke like me and need to squirrel your money. I found foodstuffs, and all kinds of random things that I wanted to buy, but managed to control myself, and only walk away with some Herr's Ketchup flavored potato chips (I only ever find them in Long Island!) and a pop-tube of Pillsbury Flaky Golden Layers biscuits (another fave and supermarket rarity). Now, of course, I didn't take pictures of these items. As per the usual, I present to you the items that you should probably spend a little more money than a dollar on, the awesomely and oddly named, and the things I think are just plain jokes.

Spend More Money:

The Awesome and Oddly Named:

I needn't say more.

Gotta.

Wouldn't make a half bad Drag name, right?

You've seen it. Similar to the logo, in the trampstamp position. On Shayla, the lumpy girl with the acne scars in front of you on line at the water park.

Buy it. I'd like to see you try.

Sing it with me - Why you comin' home, 5 in the morn'...is something goin' on? Lemme smell

Like Alfie the 13 year old alleged father in England.

Treat your baby with a little bit of Old Yeller.

Samuel L. Jackson. Deep Blue Sea:

Coincidentally, I've had a cringe-worthy line off the soundtrack in my head, and have been saying it inappropriately for weeks now because it's that bad, and I just can't stop myself -
"my head is like a shark's fin!"
-LL Cool J, Deepest Bluest

Kotex can't decide if they want to control your menses

Or allow it to flow free

Jokes. Mad Jokes.

Ok, so you can't exchange books.

But there was no sign saying you couldn't return or exchange underwear (which they had TONS of). Swear.

Holler. In hindsight, I should have bought these.

That cutie corn stick knows he just signed his death certificate.

Um, Gross.
Enhance.

No.

Here's where shit gets real retarded.

Told ya.

You see that, right? It's a durm.

Happy Air Conditioner toy, for the kid who from the start seems to respond to the ads on daytime tv to get your degree in air conditioning repair without needing a G.E.D.

Play house come along game = greatness.
Mini The child likes the thing = great greatness

And I think to myself, what a vonderful world.

Notice - markers, not sand.

This was on the back of a toy cosmetic set. Infant.

Jokes. I told you.

Barbershop 3

2009-02-28T10:04:00.003-05:00

I passed this on the street yesterday. I live for this kind of timing.

I Got It.

2009-02-26T12:01:00.002-05:00

It's called

I'm So Excited

2009-02-26T11:31:00.005-05:00

Yeah, I heard The Pointer Sisters discovered oil in them thar Jheri Curls.

Meet Judy

2009-02-25T13:25:00.004-05:00

The celebration of negrocity continues with this doll I found in New Jersey. Her name is Judy. I think she could be the next Chucky, but I doubt Hollywood would ever give a black girl like this a chance, unless Tyler Perry were involved.

She even comes with a catch phrase that could easily be horrorfied on some creepy kiddie voice like 1,2, Freddy's coming for you, right?

I'm going to write a treatment. Don't sleep.

More Holiday Treats

2009-02-25T00:52:00.004-05:00

Meet dreamboy. He comes equipped with light eyes like Gary Dourdan, T-rex arms like John McCain, and got "The Glow" like Bruce Leroy. Paired with his competitive fashion sense and the dry wit required to pose with so little irony next to well written copy....well mama, I just knew he was the one for me.

Begs The Question

2009-02-24T11:09:00.003-05:00

Once again, Black History Month is almost over, so I decided I mustn't procrastinate any further in getting this picture up. I found this book in a 99 cent store up in Washington Heights.

I walked around the store puzzled, investigated further and found the answer

Even Bobby & Whitney, who doody bubbled me into believing in theirs, got none left. Memories...

Note To Self -

2009-02-23T14:56:00.001-05:00

Remember to go back to this store. It is taunting me.

You Put Your Weed In There!

2009-02-19T10:44:00.004-05:00

I found this hat at a 99 Cent store in Coney Island.
Wanna know what they found in a 99 Cent store in Willows, California? A $1.3 Million weed farm! WHAT?! (blogger won't let me embed the video, get at me if you can help me figure it out, please!)

I can't help but wonder if they kept any of this in stock

Footstart Program

2009-02-18T17:31:00.000-05:00

Ankle socks for President in 2016

99 Cents Goatly

2009-02-18T06:00:00.003-05:00

can someone confirm whether or not the goat stampede was successful in keeping prices down at 99¢ Only stores, or if they actually went up?
Thanks.

Hey Hey Hey

2009-02-17T11:51:00.007-05:00

it's

I'm not going to sing a song for you, but I will show you a thing or two...

I took a trip over to Brooklyn's Phat Albert Warehouse in Lefferts Gardens a while back, and found a most hilarious collection of Defa Lucy Dolls. This brand of dolls has definitely become my favorite thing to look for in discount stores thanks to the guaranteed laugh inducing copy on the boxes. Engrish, I love you so. Let's get started.

First up - The Elegance Series

Although I do love her stylish crocheted gowns that remind me of the Jamaican mesh explosion of the 1990's there's nothing much funny here until you get close up. Enhance.

Effulgent bead in slap-up thread? Oh, I'm mad cuz she's stylin' on me.

And from the side?

Brilliance and sparkling notions! I suggest everybody much more open out their noblest and elegant which are always latent. Please. Show us what you're working with.

Defa Lucy is a great source of elegance. This time she's getting married.

I've seen Super Cool Gal before, but this time she's black, so I'm going to join in this team, as requested. We have to stick together.

In an epic battle of copycattery, Real Barbie has fashion fever with little hangers, and drawers that open.

And in this corner, Fashion Girl with her swagger jack packaging has new fashion styls.

and a fashion neckcloth.
Keffiyeh's are what all the ~~gay~~ cool mormon hipster transplants to nyc are wearing these days, so this round goes to Fashion Girl. Barbie, consider yourself pwned.

This Defa Lucy appears to be some sort of flower garden variety. Let's check out what her box has to say:

well, in my opinionation, the sun is going to surely shine.

Here we have a pair of Black Russians.

Or, according to what the box says they're up to, they may be Icelandic. I remember reading a couple quotes from Björk a long time ago about how Icelandic people get drunk in the winter and scream at each other, and have sex in the snow between buildings. Sounds reallyromantic.

Check out Ballet Sheila, with her dulcet music.
She's all Zoe Saldana as Eva Rodriguez in the movie Center Stage, rolling with her vanilla crew of anorexics

Balletdancering of new century to the tunes of Michael Jackson and Jamiroquai.
See for yourself:

Oh, I'm wrong for that.

In all, I have to say that I was impressed by the racial sensitivity and care that was given in stocking these particular Defa Lucy dolls. Phat Albert's warehouse gets a thumbs up from me. Na na na, I totally had a good time.

So What Does It Cost, Used?

2009-02-17T01:35:00.005-05:00

I've been sitting on this gem for a while. It was definitely the best message I recieved via my phone in 2008. This is a real store in Chinatown. Major props to my homegirl EA for being the eagle eye.

You, On Blast

2008-06-24T18:28:00.006-04:00

By the way, I found some of your shit on my blog, and If you don't claim it soon, I am going to throw it out.

In summation,

Lines/Lioness

2008-06-23T20:26:00.006-04:00

Okay, facts. I said I can do that. I was checking my trusty Dollar Store news, and saw an article that I just had to say something about. See, this lady right here apparently went beserk in a Family Dollar store, when she was told that the line she was waiting on was shutting down, and she had to move to another register. I know that shit is annoying, but was it really enough to:
a) hand your 8-month-old child to a store clerk, so that you can
b) pull some hair up out a scalp,
c) wayne brady choke a bitch, and
d) bite a cop?

Um, I don't think so. It ain't that serious, ma. Those furious fists, ghetto anger, and no nonsense attitude is not going to get you anywhere but central booking, and you can't ring up there either. But as a consolation I found a way you can save 20¢ next time. I love you.

I'm Crap

2008-06-23T20:08:00.003-04:00

Yes, It has been months since I posted. I seem to go through this. I am unfortunately stressed out because I need a real job that will cover my expenses, and when I'm stressed I can't write creatively, only factually. So here's what I'm gonna do - I'm going to post a video of Ellen Degeneres shopping at the 99¢ Only store. It was on her show, and people tend to visit this blog looking for that video. So X gon' give it to ya. (I am X.)

P.S.
Someone give me a job. A good one. I only buy crap, I don't take it. Zing!

They Tell Me, I Tell You

2008-03-27T16:15:00.005-04:00

I've gotten about 30,000 e-mails from my friends in the past two days about this article in the New York Times, How to Survive in New York on 99 Cents, and the accompanying 99 cent store meal that Eric Ripert, Executive Chef of Le Bernadin, created.

Good looking out everyone. You know I don't read the New York Times. I also obviously don't need a 5 star chef, and a world renowned journalistic institution to tell me that all the good shit on earth isn't worth all the money they pay for it. Prices are going up. Wah! Now you see what it's like to look at your receipts, and make sure you didn't get robbed at the register, work your way up to $24 in your bank account so you can finally access your money by ATM machine, and pump your fist and cheer for your dusty complextion when you find St. Ives Apricot Scrub for a dollar rather than four.

The next thing you know, they'll be telling us that Soulja Boy (tell 'em) is the next big underground workout guru, inspiring people to get off their asses and crank their way out of obesity. Just so you know I told you first, I supermanned a ho, and it cured my diabeetus. Cranking That Robocop is working my cholesterol levels down like Mary J. Blige in 1994.

What Must They Think Of Me?

2008-03-18T15:05:00.003-04:00

I check my traffic log, and often find myself laughing at the keywords that bring people to this website. Since I haven't posted in a minute, I thought I'd share to tide you over. A new post will be up soon, promise.

The consistant number 1 keyword search term that brings people to this site is Banana Tits. People search for such weird stuff...Here's my list of some of my faves in alphabetical order:

99 cent black phone sex
99 cent store personal lube
99 cents store musical los angeles
99 in spanish
agressive lesbo
banana tits
bastards poisoned my kid
bear oil for hair
before and after pictures of people who used mane and tail shampoo and conditioner
big black dick brooklyn
big black gay dicks
black hair is so sexy in the summer
black hair model agency
britney upskirt adventures
britney's maids sweatsuits
bucktooth stereotype
c.p time clothing
cheap abortion nj
club bitch day
counterfeit arm and hammer toothpaste
crack is back t shirt
crappy valentine
crazy hat store in jersey city, new jersey
creative memories consultant sued by company for selling on ebay
deaf filipino in new jersey
deficate
deficate in dreams
do you like dick totts?
fat tits an-accordion
fereshte farsi
filipino maids white babies
fist/arm mens ass pictures
fleshlight advice
fuck you emc mortgage
furtado fakes
giant banana tits
hair and but ass fat black girl
how to read pregnancy test from the 99c store
i love my nappy hair clothing
is vietnamese toothpaste safe
kinte cloth kitchen
la lakers sherwin williams
lesbionic woman
little orphan annie upskirt
long pointy banana tits
me chinese man, me make joke
me chinese me play joke origin
oh da toilette
old tussy
omarosa booty pic
penis overhang pictures
rain bonnet snapshot
sambos pizza
schatar eye
schmoogle
shooting at fred's dollar store
shovel shaped eye teeth
shovel shaped teeth
squeeze my ass jokes
tattoo of fereshte
tips how backflip figure skating
tommy lasorda drunk interview
upper eschelon lesbian
vagina sue
wash your ass video game music del tha funky homo
what isaw women douching pic
white flight jokes
whitepeoplesaywha
www.boners.vom

I don't think posting this will make the keywords of the future any less hilarious, and I guess that's kind of the point. Perverts, weirdos, and fans of National Geographic style boobs.....welcome.

CP Time

2008-02-22T11:27:00.006-05:00

One time, I was at the $2 movie theater (R.I. Motherfucking P.) with a bunch of my friends watching the Sigourney Weaver flick Copycat. The theater was packed, not surprisingly, as a $2 trip to the movies in Manhattan was the steal of the 90's. During a climactic scene on a rooftop where Sigourney is nearly killed, when the cops finally show up after the showdown, this kind of drunk guy who'd been annoyingly grumbling throughout the movie exclaimed about the arriving police "Always late....just like my brother!" I don't know why I just told you that story because since it's probably not funny to anybody except me and my friends, but I did. And you read it, so the joke's on you. It's also black history month in case you didn't know, and here I am telling you that with 6 days left in the month. Always late....(fill in the punchline.)

I was drawn to this book Black Girl in Paris in a Brooklyn discount store. I didn't read it, since I don't know how, but I found the image on it's cover enchanting. If this book were set in New York, she'd be sporting a showercap, airbrushed corn chip nail tips, and puffing a blunt an hour on some Jaimee Foxworth steez. But it's not. I had to delve into my brain as to what attracted me to this book. And then I realized, I've seen her before. I know who this girl is. It's one of the most awesome black girls on the planet. The one, the only Surya Bonaly.

Surya Bonaly is the blackest and most fantastic and explosive figure skater ever. Born in Nice, France, and adopted by a white lady, she went on to become France's nine time National Figure skating champion, five time European Figure Skating Champion, and a three-time silver medalist at the World Figure Skating Championships. She unfortunately never won any golds in Worlds, or placed in the Olympics, but her unconventional skating style remains one for the legends, with her signature move, a backflip, which she lands on one foot - and she is the only skater in the world capable of doing this. She's basically the love child of 50 Cent and Serena Williams on ice. I used to skate, and when I was a kid, I thought she was the Sugar Honey Iced Tea.

Her Wiki says "Having lost any chance for a medal during the 1998 Winter Olympics in Nagano, Japan due to a fall on a triple Salchow jump, Bonaly decided to end her amateur career with a symbolic gesture: with nothing left to lose, she performed her signature back flip -- an illegal move under International Skating Union rules -- in front of the judges. She then proceeded to finish her program with her back facing the judges."

SO SASSY!

Peep some Video:

Surya now lives in the United States, and does those Professional Ice Skating tours. I can honestly say I haven't had a hankering to see Elvis Stojko in action with his leather pants and vest set spinning through a quadruple toe loop since I was about 12, but now that I know Surya is involved as well, it's on like Donkey Kong. Who's coming with me?

Crappy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T17:56:00.019-05:00

I am a hater, and that's pretty much all I have to say about that. Since there's nobody to wine, dine, or 69 me on this fine wintry holiday, I got on my bike this afternoon and took a ride over to Lefferts Gardens, Brooklyn to observe the love-n-discount scenario over there. I don't know if I'm sadder for myself for being a perpetual love hater, or for the people who feel so compelled by this retarded commercial holiday that they buy crap for their loved ones at discount stores. What I do know is, I'm saddest for those on the receiving end of these gifts. I know it's the thought that counts, but nobody deserves to see their love represented that way. Instead, say it every time you make eye contact, or write something sincere in a card you made yourself, even if you draw like a 5 year old, and can barely spell. Just don't do this to your significant other. They deserve better. You just made them feel like these sad discarded conversation hearts.

They make my eyes well up, and I'm 83% robot. Oil Can!

Once I got beyond Prospect Park, just about every store I passed was taking advantage of the coin to be made today, from the stankin fish market to the Jamaican bootleg video spot. So, here are some flicks from my adventures. Montell Jordan, Master P and Silk singing "Let's Ride" is booming out my speakers right now, so I'm going to take their advice (minus the slapping of the thighs.) My only regret is that I am not sitting on a hawaii chair.

Garfield and Spongebob got in on the action...for your 11 year old girlfriend.

I was immediately greeted in the first store I entered with this.

I doubt Bette Midler is making any residuals off this.
There was a small, ambiguously central american man who kept triggering these things incessantly. I never knew before today, but that is my idea of hell.

I like that they weren't afraid of going interracial with these dish bears.
They could have been made to celebrate the birth of Milla Jovovich's new baby Ever, but I highly doubt it.

This is so Cheng and Eng.

So, you want to go all out with the fancy dinner but can't afford that caviar spread your lady asked for? Don't fret.....

the 99 cent store has you covered. Presenting - plastic fruits with a caviar applique. Just don't attempt to eat it, and she'll never know the difference.

This is actually a break up gift meant to sweetly say "Your love is suffocating me."

So much. Wicked wicker chair much. Baby, lets go to Pier 1 and then I'm gonna fuck you in your fat head like scientology did Kirstie Alley.

yeah, so special.....

Hon-bun, whenever I see a bear driving a wicker rickshaw, you're the first thing that pops into my head. I wanna go down to chinatown, if ya know what I mean and I think you do *wiiiink*

nothing out of the ordinary here until....

you realized it was from your gramps or granny. Seriously, this would have me calling ACS, or Liutenants Stabler and Benson. It ain't right.

Now, let's move on to the second store.

Are you Seure?
I'm positive!

Frenzy!
I bet they accept
(that's a welfare benefit for anyone who didn't grow up in NYC in the 80's and 90's)

This store was obviously THE spot to get your mylar valentine balloons. The guy couldn't inflate them fast enough.

Sna-sna- snatchin' em up.

Speaking of snatch...
luxury WHAT?

so good I had to show you twice.
(also, take notice of the terrible photoshop job on Ivanka's head)

I only like flowers when they are attached to the ground, or fake, and I contemplated buying a ton of these, but then I remembered I have better things to waste my money on, like dinner.

Remember, they were a whole dollar! Only the best for my boo.

If someone even attempted to spew some bull like this at me, I would choke the shit out of them before it completed escaping their lips, thus removing their choice in the matter.

YEAH! A Mug! Totally getting some nookie tonight. It's in the bag!

Just remember to bag it up. Plan parenthood. Please.

Love stinks. Didn't you get the memo?

I end today on an odd note. My favorite valentine video that I found on Youtube last year. I don't know why, but I can't get enough of it. Enjwah!

P.S. If you did indeed enjwah that, there's a russian version as well. It's a little diffrent, in russian and is just as hilarious. Афедронщик!

Head N!&%a In Charge

2008-02-08T12:17:00.001-05:00

I'm about to go off topic here. I pass this bodega just about every day, and I can't help but snort to myself because I have an incurable case of gutter brain. There's obviously supposed to be a tilda on that n (like so: ñ), but it's totally impossible to see unless you're standing just beyond the overhang of the awning, and really, who is looking at the name of the shop from that angle? No one. So I'm putting it on blast. This is a Penis food market.

What do you suppose they sell in a Penis food market? I have a few ideas:

Hot Dogs/Corndogs
Vienna Sausages, Cocktail Weenies, and Chipolata.
All Wursts: Brats, Knocks, Knacks, Blargens, Rinds, Bocks - all that scheisse.
Breakfast Sausages, Chorizo, and all salchichas.
Salami
Beef Log
Spotted Dick Pudding
Nuts
Boars Head Deli Meats
Slim Jims
Squash
Cucumbers & Zuchini
Bananas
Coq Au Vin
Head Cheese (and I don't mean smegma, it's a real food. Disgusting, but real)

Now, no market only has food so I could only imagine they might also stock:

Condoms, natch.
Personal lubricant
Cock Rings, Cock Rings, Cock Rings!
Daschunds (Wiener dogs)
Heather Matarazzo Masks (Dawn Wiener!)
Tigi Bed Head
Head & Shoulders
Full Head Toothbrushes
Lemon Head Candies
Head Organic Styling Wax
Headache relief (I think that's technically called a happy ending - back room business perhaps?)
Blue Ball-Point Pens
Fleshlight (NSFW)

I think you get the point. Run with it in the comments if you like. I like comments.
Now is time for pictures.

Very impressive Mr. Geoduck!

"Any cock'll dooooooooooooooo!"
(I pulled this guy from my 99 Sense archive. He may pop up again in the future)

Yes homo.

This stock photo will probably haunt this kid for the rest of his life.

Here are some faves I pulled from Flickr:

courtesy of mesh2

courtesy of Amiko

courtesy of Trepelu

courtesy of Jan Wicher

courtesy of minusbaby

If you're still reading and recieve joy from amusing photos like me, here are some related Flickr groups to check out: Rude Food, Accidentally Erotic, Carrot Fun, Phallic Photos, and Vegetables or Fruits With Human-Like Qualities.

While we're on the subject, I also recommend checking out the blog One D At A Time (NSFW). It's not updated much anymore, because it's author Slut Machine writes full time for Jezebel now, but she's got oodles of back entries worth reading. Plus two other loosely related blogs of note: Dudes With Dogs, and CockShadows.

Last and finally, also check out Man and Wife. It's a web show starring Fatman Scoop and his wife Shanda, and they give sex advice all while being humorous, and are all together an inspiring couple displaying how keeping it real goes right. It's moving to the airwaves soon, and will probably be MTV's next big reality hit. Swear. Here's an episode relative to this entry. You know Shanda gets hers.

That's it for today's silly.

Love,

Mo' Mo' Mo'

2008-01-31T11:40:00.000-05:00

Back to the topic at hand: A pu pu platter of engrish tleats. Suckle on 'em.

actually,

I overlooked this fantastic Finery Moppet yesterday. I suppose it's "latest technology" could be a stealth, or a cloaking system that allowed it to fly under my radar undetected.

There she goes again. My main jumpoff, Benign Girl. She stays showing up, and I love her.
I've heard that she's been catching some fame, as a friend of mine told me she heard Benign Girl mentioned on NPR a couple of months ago. I also did a little research and found a ton of other Benign Girl pictures on Flickr. She's spreading y'all. If this continued unregulated and unchecked, she might become malignant.

Next week, I'm going to drive this car straight to Bryant Park

Correct. Honey is very good. I love it in my Fage greek strained yogurt. That shit is like crack. I found it in Amy Winehouse's beehive.

Keep telling yourself that. I watch Top Model, and those ladies cry all the time. Check any of Rich from Four Four's recaps, he documents tears very thoroughly.

These are cute. They kinda look like Ziggy.

Like baby Jessica.

It costs $6.00 and they want you to be careful.
I suppose if you're buying $6.00 porcelain, you can't afford anything else, so you probably should be careful with the few things you buy, because you won't be able to afford to replace it.

Money, cash.
Money, cash, drawers - WHAT?
(that was a remix)

Laser Pointer.
This is actually my favorite item out of them all.

Amazing.

I want to marry the person who chose this translation.
Or even better, someone who is willing to use a strong, silent type air touch piano in the sandstorm.

I also wouldn't mind swagger-jacking lil miss wavy keys' sci-fi outfit. Wearing it would mentally bring me closer to my dream of being an intergalactic hussy.

Um, what do the words Basketball, Prompting, and Amused have to do with each other?

Corny Monica.
Like Lewinsky's failed handbag line.
Also, that's not corn. It's a banana.

I need to thoroughly look through my archives...I might have even more for tomorrow. If not, toodles till the next time.

Me Chinese, Me Play Joke

2008-01-29T23:18:00.000-05:00

A seasoned crap-hunter like myself always keeps an eye out for lapses in language. Today, I'm taking you back to Jersey City, where the toy section had my ass in stitches. God bress the Engrish ranguage.

This is Defa Lucy. She is a super cool gal.

I don't know how they expect people to fit doll clothes, but whatever, I guess that's how they roll in rural china. Poverty = size -000

Really newly experience!

Defa Lucy says "You may use the method to increase the temperature to let my hair change color"
Which method?!? There are so many! Feldenkrais? Rhythm? Suzuki? I like this one.

I'm about to hit you with a barrage of Defa Lucy. This chick was all over the place in many incarnations.

I don't think agile hands and legs are something that should matter to the intended consumers of Defa Lucy. They make her sound like a real doll. Now I can't help but wonder if the modern hair they speak of includes a brazilian.

This Defa Lucy is extra special because she gets a circumflex on her e. Now that I just said that out loud, I hate the word circumflex. It sounds like a bris gone awry.

Musie makes the people come together.

Modes? She's not electronic.

This inspires me to pull my prom dress out of the closet, squeeze in my hiney and wear my finery to a winery.

Grammar, punctuation and the whole shebang. No need to say more.

Here we have a fanciful Defa Lucy. It appears that it's Oscar night, or she's been fishing around in Diana Ross' closet.

Her box reads: Good evening. Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Lucy. Thank you for your attendance in the star field of city. It is my pleasure to share this wonderful moment with you. I hope you can enjoy this unforgettable performance. Have a wonderful night.

SHOUTOUTS!
This is perfect, completely true and goes out to my homegirl on the left coast. These exact words will be spoken the next time I see her in person. Miss you!

So, about that Yippee...
A whole land! A reservation if you will. If some dang toys can get a whole Yippee land, I want some motherfucking slavery reparations. Vote for Obama.

front
back

I had to hit this box with mad macros. The wording is fantastical. I thought naughty, but that goes without saying, so I'm just going to leave these alone.

There are a lot of faux Bratz dolls on the market. These Funny Angle styling heads are special because they appear to be part of a Saved By The Bell collection.
Jessie Spano. (I was so excited, and so scared)

Kelly Kapowski

Like any of this is going to make a bit of difference if someone is buying a toxic toy that costs about 5 dollars.

Here's another. A Top Angel Noble Girl.
The manufacture may have been skillful, but the spelling and translation was not.

This chick's face straight up freaks me out.
Also, why do all these girls have tranny sized 90's rave style shoes?

OK, here's something great. Somebody downloaded the disney font, and wrote this preposterous story for the packaging of Beauty Castle.

I couldn't capture it all in one frame, so I'm just going to write it out so it's easier for you to read.
Here goes:
On the virgin and beautiful island there was a flourish green forest where plenty of animals live in. It's a fairly landscape with unnamed trees and limpid rivers. You can hear birds singing. You can see animals running and white clouds floating on the blue sky. Among the poetic forest. There's an amazing giant castle with a long and mysterious history. The castle is so splendor and spectacular. You have to walk across a large bridge to get to the castle. It has high walls and beautiful loft. The gate is so large that even a tank could drive through. Here is the most famous scenic spot. Each year thousands of travellers come to visit. They have to abide the rules made by the government to keep the place clean and lively. That's why the island can be as innocent as it was.

Come back tomorrow for more Engrish. I have an appointment today to get that tattooed down my back.

Oh Da Toilette

2008-01-21T04:23:00.000-05:00

It's an ungodly hour and I'm awake for no reason. I'm checking out vids on youtube. I breeze by and get sucked into a legendary old favorite. My mind shatters, breaking like the first shot on a pool table. Two balls sunk. One - sends me reeling right back to my recent Toob Tops post; Two - to a collection of photos I shot at a 59¢/79¢/99¢ in Washington Heights, on a tip off from my best girl grip Mackneel. I think these pictures are mad poignant.

Oh, and here's the video I was watching. Biz Markie - Toilet Stool Rap. Along time ago, this song kinda changed the game for me. Biz is the man. Changed it how, I can't quite explain, just know you will forever "doo doo on yourself when my crew come through."*

*Nuk Fam copywrite etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, and you know this....man!

My Maine Man Al

2008-01-14T23:22:00.000-05:00

Over the summer, my bestie and her boys took a road trip vacation up to Maine, and they passed this Big Al's Odd Lot Outlet. Because she's a superstar and we basically have matching senses of humor, she had the audacity to dive head first and Scrooge McDuck style into this fortress of discount insanity. These are mostly phone cam pics, so mind the fuzz.

Word to big bird.
Speaking of big bird, do you know what this is?

you couldn't possibly guess it, so I'll let you in on the secret

Imagineering! Somebody obviously thought this idea was an opportunity-stake, rather than a mistake

Hilarious. And always in season.

Another product added to the Hall of Fame of poorly named consumer goods.

so what, I had a lil lolfun

My friend told me there was an entire aisle of doll parts. I have a propensity to do slightly disturbing things with baby dolls, and then photograph them. Por ejemplo, a photo I took in 2003:

My friend brought some home for me. Needless to say, I will be having some fun with my Horsman baby doll parts.

Hello, Kingston Rossdale.

This is another souvenir she brought back for me. Bush Baby soap, with a fetal-sea monkey thing inside. You're supposed to be happy to get that "free toy". I think pro-choicers should throw these when they protest outside of christian maternity centers. They do that right? Anyways, I bet they would scare some not-so-innocent but totally judgemental christian teen girl into thinking her baby's gonna be a hairless meerkat with downs syndrome and gills, and then she'll go "take care of it."

"I'm one of the laziest people I know, and even I'm not too lazy to spread my own butter" quoteth mah friend.

Yeah, cuz everybody be looking in the drawer for socks, with the light off.

I used to have a gag arm/hand like this that my brother and I would leave hanging wedged in the front door of the apartment, or our trunks or pant zippers for scares and laughs when people would come over. I don't see that working with these, and can't think of anything else they'd be used for.

This brought tears to my eyes. Of joy. Hilarious.

There is something really special about sad publications for children. I especially love this one cuz it has a sad Indian boy (I bet he has the Shanti virus), and a lynching in the background.

What catalog do you think they mean? It's probably Lillian Vernon, or Harriet Carter. those things are full of crap. Also, if you've never clicked the link in my sidebar, I'd like to introduce you to Harriet Carter Wednesdays. I want to marry it.

Anyways, feast your eyes on some of the most specific soaps ever devised.

I'd like to see it try to STOP me from wearing jewelry again!
This solution sounds like an abusive boyfriend.

Rock it Retro.

I've never heard them called that before.
As far as I knew, this was Bunchies.
Check out this birdfeeder. It's just an upside-down 3 liter soda bottle! They teach you how to make this shit in elementary school and summer camp. I guess someone hit a closeout windfall of 3 liter soda bottles (cuz really, how often do you see those anymore, your soda always goes flat) and had no other way to move em. Yet another opportunity-stake.

I say good work. Birdie-rrhea on em till the bird flu hits, for all I care. (Sorry Xtian)

So the Odd-Lot is where the millennium took its 40Y2K plan and retired.

Welcome to Zoobilee Zoo. I'm your Ben Vereen.
No animals were harmed during the writing of this blog.

I don't know what this is, but I want it in my house. It's fucking amazing.

Is that like, McGruff? Or is this dog just fronting like he wants to take a bite out of crime?

This is basically a three little pigs "nativity" scene.

"It's your world and I'm just a squirrel, tryna get a nut, so move your butt - to the dance floor, so yo, what's up?"

I know that every time I looked at my desktop computer, I was like, "you know what's missing? A cow."

This t-shirt is another souveneir piece they brought back for me. I will wear it proudly.

So that's basically it for this entry. There are more pics from this jaunt, but I'm saving them for another entry coming soon.

If homoloveulous exclamations and inside jokes make you uncomfortable, I'm sorry, but if your friends were as rocktastic as mine you'd be doing the same thing. Sue me.

Pretty Crappy

2007-12-31T13:12:00.000-05:00

I wanna make this blog pretty. All this stark whiteness is making me feel like I need to weave some kinte cloth, harvest yams, and get bitten by a tsetse fly.

By pretty, I mean pretty/crappy of course. You know my steez.
Can someone point me to some sort of customize your blogger templates website for blogtards? I couldn't even figure out how to do the "read more after the jump" thing that people do, and I'm a certified genius.

Wheeee! Lets make this new year super happy.

Take the poll

Free Poll by Blog Flux

P.S.
Whether you adore or abhor me, I have another blog, Toob Tops. I talk a lot less, and generally make it weird. Maybe check it out or something.

You Want A Piece Of Me?

2007-12-26T13:03:00.000-05:00

New Computer!
No thanks to most of you, but a thank you shout for support goes out to Little Orphan Annie (a solid, solid dude), LiciaLo, V. Fun T, and My Mistress Nelbow. Youda best.

Today's installment of 99 Sense is brought to you by the letter Spears. As I was walking around 99¢ City in Downtown Brooklyn, just about every other piece of shit I saw reminded me Britney, Jamie-Lynn, or matriarch Lynn. What a year it's been for those three. I'm not about to make it any easier, so grab a Frapp and a bag of cheetos and we're off!

You shouldn't need to read the gossip rags in order to know that this mug pretty much sums up everything that has happened since Britney filed for divorce from Kevin, and with much bravery and class alerted him of such via text message (video booya!)

See?

Then,
Chica got face jacked by some cheap ass perfume.

About touring, Britney was once quoted as saying "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."

Even 99 Cent store dolls have better weave.

Rather than indulging in the constant partying, a little more work with these might have hushed some of the flack about her looks during her VMA performance

She owns these, right? Got to.
these too prolly.
Lets just wait and see if she again decides to spontaneously run into the malibu surf in her underwear to see.

I don't remember if Britney actually pierced her bellybutton or not, but she certainly looks like the kind of tart that would.

One, Two, Three Times a Lady. Britney's upskirt threepeat last year was the most blatant display of celebritwat in the history of the world part 3.

Promises' pansy ass rehab, in a box.

1 part producer Nate "Danja" Hills
and equal parts herbs
and T-Pain

And we've got chartbusting hit album Blackout.
Don't front. Piece of Me is a jam and a half. Up her derrière.
No!
Lies!
I love it.

The question oft asked..

We are very aware this is not an option.

I imagined Britney (and Jamie-Lynn in 6 months) dressing their lil' lousiana star babies up in this thing and acting all Anna Nicole in clown makeup, and I cried a little, but mostly laughed.

It was reported that Britney fed Sean P, and Jayden J ice cream to shut them up and make them fall asleep. My mother-friends say that makes no sense, but perhaps she was on to something.

With their Pimps and Maids sweatsuits, Brit-n-Kev's wedding was certainly one to remember. Considering that it's been reported Britney has lesbionic tendencies, let's just hope this book was really a pack of tarot cards, I'm the new Miss Cleo, and this is my free readin'.

What kind of kids was you raisin' Lynne?

Brit's most likely getting the old Michael Jackson yes-man treatment from those around her these days, which is a damn shame, but ought to lead to even more acts of desperate rediculous behavior - so I'm just sitting here in my barcalounger saying bring it on.

Final Words...
In my search for an image from brit-kev's wedding i came across these creepy videos made by a man who calls himself Emotionizer. Shit'redic.

White Flight

2007-12-03T21:41:00.000-05:00

I'm not usually an instigator, but I've been known to roll with a few. I remember this one time I was hanging out and walking around the Columbus Circle/Lincoln Center area of Manhattan with a bunch of kids that I'd gone to summer camp with. The second session kids came through in numbers. I ought to tell you that they were mostly black. This one particular kid had an EPMD tape in his quote unquote ghetto blaster and really got a kick out of blasting the intro of the song "Head Banger" repeatedly. I'm going to assume you don't know what that sounds like, so imagine this guy yelling NEGROOOOOOOOES!!!!! over and over and over and over. It was one of those jokes that went on too long, and I was kind of afraid I was going to run into one of my neighbors or something. But after 5 minutes of this, the non-black kids joined in, the old ladies were nearly breaking their osteo-arthritic bones to get away from us and I was laughing so hard I thought I was gonna pee my pants.

That's just another rambling introduction to this video that features uppity white people vomiting in their mouths a little bit at the thought of a 99 cent store opening on Rodeo Drive.

You can run, but you can't hide. Much like Gloria Estefan warned us about the rhythm, the discount is gonna get'cha.

Help a Ho Ho Ho?!?!?!

2007-11-24T23:53:00.000-05:00

The best nation is a donation. A homeless man told me that, and I think it's important for me to spread the word. TV and movies tell me that homeless men usually have all kinds of secret informations, and can help solve crimes, survive through natural disasters, and can lead us to the sacred cross dagger of Ajanti so we can save The Golden Child.

So let's pretend my computer hard drive is The Golden Child. Sardo Numspa (bad guy) has kidnapped "The Golden Child" and it is contained, powerless, in a metal cage surrounded by evil on all sides. You (readers) are all Chandler Jerrell (Eddie Murphy) and your money is Kee, his trusty, sexy sidekick who really does all the asskicking.

Come and save the fucking Golden Child. OK? You, Chandler, get your Kee together, forgive the naked bum who took your hundred dollar bill, and go get that sacred cross dagger of Ajanti. Why? Cuz I-I-I-I-I want the knife. Please.

That's not even a smart analogy, and I wrote it anyway. See how much help I need? It goes beyond not having a computer for months and months. Sally Strutherize my ass. I'll even take a picture of my bloated stomach, and find some flies to put on my face, and write you like a damn pen pal.

You know you want her.

in painless installments of .99¢ maybe?
miniscule nuggets of currency.
help a sister out.

Rememories - Black Friday Failed Me

2007-11-23T14:23:00.001-05:00

Ayo everybody, I'm sorry for not posting in a long time.
I miss you.
I miss me.
I miss crap.

So wha happened was, my shit-ass computer decided to stop working after less than two years, and I don't have the money to get a new one, or to fix it. No more black-friday door-busting, low budget electronics for me. I also have tons of 99 Sense photos trapped inside said shit-ass computer, and I gotta pay to get em out. No money, mo problems. Turns out blogging about crap in discount stores isn't very lucrative.
But since I've been a very good girl this year, maybe Santa will bring me a new laptop. I may even pray to baby jesus.

Anyways, here's some celebrity breaking news, fresh from TMZ. Avril Levigne & Derrick Whibley shop sensibly.

Broken celebrities,
Please buy me a new computer.
Thx,
-Kangsta

Shovel Toothed Bastards!

2007-07-12T22:39:00.000-04:00

ASSHOLES!

I remember learning in my forensic biology class that one of the ways forensic scientists can determine the ethnicity of a skeleton was by examining the teeth. Besides the obvious differences in skin color eye shape and hair composition, I've always noticed particular "weird" things about northern asian people that make them very different from myself, my fellow negroids, and even "them whities" as my grandfather would say. You see, people of north asian descent have pitted, or shovel shaped teeth. And that explains why that old man in chinatown I spoke to today had breath that smelled like a grave.
You can geek out on the anthropology behind the ching chong buck tooth stereotype here and here.

Anyway, you've probably heard them chinesies aren't just poisoning our dogs and cats, they've been selling us poison toothpaste because they're totes jealous of our buteous chompers (even though their shovel shaped biters are structurally stronger). Read about it here. It rings reminiscent of the beauty product terrorism the Joker unleashed in the original Batman movie, which has to mean that they watch what they bootleg. Half a billion chinese don't even brush their teeth, so they knew the damage from friendly fire was going to be minimal. Sneaky sneaky!

So if you haven't heard the warning, DON'T USE TOOTHPASTE FROM CHINA! It may have an ingredient of Antifreeze in it.
News Links
I have a particular interest in this story, because as you can probably imagine a lot of products in discount stores come from China. Especially bootleg and counterfeit ones. In fact, some of these poison toothpastes were recently still found in discount stores. Massachusetts and Rhode Island, The Tri-State area, and even in Prison...nobody is safe.

In case you were wondering, whenever I buy my own toothpaste (sometimes mom dukes hooks it up) I use Arm & Hammer toothpaste. It makes my mouth feel squeaky clean, which I desperately need because I'm usually standing on the precipice of saying something filthy, and I like the idea of there being a whole fist, arm, and mallet in my mouth, knockin' plaque and gingivitis the fuck out.

I know I'm a stereotypist shit talking jerk, and I totally just gave the Chinese a reason and way to kill me, but I'm not scared of them. The only people I truly fear are Nelly Furtado and her fucking retarded bird face (I heard that every time she smiles, a kid with a cleft palate loses their scholarship to Operation Smile), and 50 Cent. Did you see him recently on the cover of Vibe? I actually got a restraining order on an issue of a magazine! Unheard of!

Cheap Trick

2007-06-24T22:48:00.001-04:00

That new new in the news - On June 30th of this year, a 99¢ Only Store in Lewisville Texas will be performing 99 cent weddings. Where are the 99 cent engagement rings?

Potshots, Part Deux

2007-06-07T12:54:00.000-04:00

So, back to the task at hand..

shout out to my boy chest rolls

The ghost of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes demonstrates with her magical rain bonnet and unbroken hair that...

super silky jumbo need not apply.

For serious though, I'm really truly digging the weave scene in discount stores.
I wish I had hair-did skills so I could stock up and do something crazy.

This is where if I had better photoshop skills, you'd be seeing Clay Aiken doing blue steel superimposed on each of these sticks of modeling clay.

You often see these in National Geographic. Attached to Banana Tits.

Banana Tit breast reduction.

I'm anticipating white kids and toilets becoming a running feature here.

That final feature and benefit is a doozy.
The old me would have bought this in preparation to gift at the first best opportunity, like a wedding, housewarming, or Mother's Day.

That cow is looking at us with her sexiest, Schatar-iest eyes and telling us that she's tasted herself. Ga-ross.

Ghetto booty linens. Hot. Little in the middle, but she got much back.

Heh...Flannelback.

Bootleg Ipath kicks.
Now, This guy looks like he shops strictly at discount stores when he's got the luchini to blow. He also has a socially relevant message for us all.

wait for it.....

ha ha!

I go sleep now. Good bye.

New Jersey Drive

2007-06-06T10:59:00.000-04:00

This native New Yorker raises her hand and proudly announces she likes New Jersey. Not like I want to live there or anything, but it contains most of the things we just don't have room for in NYC, like Midieval Times, Six Flags Great Adventure, and our garbage. Atlantic City is shittily fantastic. It's home to "Down The Shore", which is one of my favorite bits of gramatically incorrect regional vernacular, beating Hawaii's "Shave Ice" by a small sliver. Before the Jamba Juice trickled into Manhattan my best friend used to drive me to a Whole Foods in NJ just so I could fulfill an obsession I picked up on a visit to LA. I don't know if my beloved Redman would be nearly as grimy and deliciously polluted had he not grown up in Dirty Jerz. I got mad peeps from and in New Jeru, and I'm hollering, yo. You rock.

On the recommedation of a NJ resident, my previously mentioned best friend took me on a motorized journey through a tunnel, and across state lines to capture the discount essence of the Armpit Of America. One of the first things we came across was evidence that they are trying to buck the moniker.
Judging straight out my ass, I am going to guess that the notes of this perfume are derived from the essence of olive oil, garlic, Sophia Loren's ancient but timeless vagina, hair gel, and air from an accordion's bellows. Not an improvement.

Forreal tho, we went to this place in Jersey City, and probably had one of the best days of this year so far. I've already covered a few items we found in Fereshte Direct, and this spot was home to that insane Wolfmother's day lamp.

right off the bat, my friend pointed out this bad ass

and sent me on a mission following this chick around the store trying to discreetly take a picture of her ass.

Lusti Professional Cholesterol ought to be the name of a plus size modeling agency.

This is what you apply before you put lotion on, to ensure that your other lotion goes on smooth.

Who's bite size, the dog, or the kid?
In Korea, the dog.
In my mind, the kid. Just look at the way she's holding that dog. She's totally going to get her little button nose tore the fuck off.

If you didn't already notice, my mind works like a giant word and picture association game.
I want somebody to take a stab at what song popped into my head after seeing these two shower cap packages. It's really not that hard. If someone guesses right, I'll give you a prize.

Forget the black people on these packages, I'm here to talk about about how Martin Sheen's real name is Ramon Estevez. Charlie is a faker too. Emilio is the one who represents with Ethnic Sheen.

New Benign Girl! This chick is EVERYWHERE!
A friend of mine was recently in Guatemala, and the small child of his host family even had a Benign Girl phone.

Coconut Juice with Meat is begging to be a tropically set tranny porn.
It would make me endlessly happy if it starred Jaslene, the most recent winner of America's Next Top Model, and Raci, the deaf filipino mtf from TransGeneration. Top it off with Marlee Matlin, and that shit would be the next Deaf Comedy Jam.

I've been stuck on what to say about these two. I just love them. That's all.

Menstrual emergency in aisle 3.

Complete crazyness. An abortion kit?
Gross!

I kid!

When it comes down to it, i think the only reason I only photographed these because they're in a discount store. I see them in pet stores, and have even bought ears for my dog before, and haven't thought twice.

WTF?
WTF! WTF! WTF is this doing in a people store?
This came home with me. Unbelievable.

Someone has surely and entirely lost an eyelid using one of these. Or a labia.

This post is either getting entirely too long, or I just made myself feel weird. More on this locations finds when I don't feel so creepy inside.

Backed Up

2007-05-28T22:51:00.000-04:00

I've hit a little episode of bloggers block. More than half of a post has been ready for a week, and i can't seem to eek it out.
Good thing it's Fleet Week here in NYC.

if anybody out there has any techniques to butt-douche the mind, they would be greatly appreciated.

Once More, With Feeling

2007-05-14T23:19:00.000-04:00

A quick stop for a bottle of water at America's Discount Store in midtown turned into an unexpected photo sesh. I've covered this store before and I'm trying to stay away from documenting the same spots, but I never know what I might come across, and when the product talks, I listen.

I thought it was weird that this pack of baby wipes provided a pictoral instruction of how to water-torture a baby.

Yay! Wedgies for all ages. (re: Bloopers for Men)

Double Yay! Wedgies for all genders.

I can't help but wonder though, does the "slightly imperfect" refer to the undies, or to the "girls" that these undies are for? Because in that case, these may be special undies for the little transgendered kids that we saw chilling with Barbara Walters last week, or perhaps those with fetal alchol syndrome. You see how far apart that girl's eyes are? It's not dissimilar to FA Face.

From the look on her face, i'm guessing these were ribbed for her pleasure.

Someone should take this idea, and make a CGI animated movie about a group of hyenas that work in a sweatshop but aspire to be comedians. They strike out on their own making humorous socks, and invite some tap dancing penguins with frostbitten antartic feet to endorse their products. Licensing potential galore?
Not a good idea? Oh.
Anyhoo, I think I might go back and buy these socks. They're terrible, and that's great.

Little Debbie looks like she's been getting up to no good.

She appears to be dabbling in drugs....

Doing Dallas, 2 at a time.
(If there isn't already a porno spoof of this product there ought to be)

and constructing giant areolas for your buttcheeks.

These sound like something the Filipino coroner would find nestled between the legs of a hermetic old man who died in his treetop jungle hut.

This sounds like the perfect sex partner for a gay power bottom with high blood pressure, and a preference for white guys.

I love random use of the internet.
Like R. Kelly's album TP2.com, and Trick Daddy's album www.thug.com.
I wonder if there is anyone in the world named Dotcom yet. There should be.

woman: honey, do you love me?
man: i like you a lot, you just don't shimmer enough.

Tussy has been haunting me for more than half my life.
I had a close friend growing up, whose mother swore that her daughter was allergic to all deodorants, except this one, which is a cream deodorant. I figured it came with a pit spatula or something to apply it, but it doesn't. I found something incredibly revolting about that when I was about 11 years old, and I still do.

So my best friend and I get in her car one day, and she remembers she hasn't put on any deodorant, and she's getting sticky-icky. She asks If I have some. I do, in my backpack. I pass her my Vanilla scented Avon Cool Confidence Roll-on deodorant, that I keep handy for cases such as these. I too often forget to apply deodorant in the morning. She peers at the label. "Roll On? Cool Confidence? What is this?" Twists off the cap, and rolls it on. Approximately 30 seconds later, she looks at me, frowning, and says "More like moist insecurity!"

I am going to take a stab at what these deodorants are supposed to smell like.
This one is law enforcement.

This one is a blend of Allen Funt, and Dom DeLuise.

and this one is Mumm-Ra The Ever Livin g.

Now this, is a riot! Neon lice spray!
For some big fun, bug bomb a homeless shelter with this stuff, and then send all of the residents to a rave! Oh the wackiness that will ensue!

To A Restaurant, Upper Eschelon

2007-05-13T01:12:00.000-04:00

You're not Kanye, and you didn't write your mom a song. I know it. Maybe you made her a lame mixtape that hopefully doesn't start with the line "Hey Mama, this that shit that make you move Mama" unless of course your mom is a stripper, or you happen to be the woman who unleashed that retard Will.I.Am through her hopefully regretful vagina. The question I am getting around to asking is, what did you do for your mom for Mother's Day? Here is my list of things I sensed available, that I wish came with an automatic smack to the face with a bologna log upon purchase.

You probably can't tell, but this is a mother's day lamp with faux roses.
and

Wolf shades.
Indie rock just turned into an adult contemporary gift.

That's like chump change you toss in a cup to the doo-wop guys on the subway.
Cheaper than an issue of Street News, or In Touch.
Treat your mom better than you do the homeless.

if this makes your mom feel special, she's crap and deserves it.

The mom that recieves the broken one is suicidal.
They say it's the thought that counts...And that's why she's suicidal.

get your shit together.

liar.

I bet gifts like these are unpopular in lesbian-run families. Who gets to be #1? Everybody can't be a winner.

Worlo.

i still don't believe you.

You might as well get her a shit bitch bear.

Unless she asks for one, I doubt your mom needs another mug. do you know what moms have gaggles of, besides pain in the ass kids? Mugs.

Love your mom every day. Stop the commercial bullshittery.

Fereshte Direct

2007-05-10T11:33:00.000-04:00

My Fereshte

It started here. My Persian friend was on a family trip to the Grand Canyon, and on the advice of his Persian mother, bought a statuette of a little black angel in pajamas as a souvenir for me. That was kind of weird because I'd met the woman once. But I'm kinda weird, and I dug it big time. I like to know that I am in people's black thoughts (but do not confuse me with the guy from The Roots). Then I saw the movie Crash, and you know that scene where the Persian store owner guy busts a cap at the little hispanic girl and she doesn't die because the gun was loaded with blanks, and he breaks down all weepy like a bitch and calls her his fereshte? Well, that was the most hilarious scene in that rediculous movie and Fereshte means angel in Farsi. So, I named her that. In this Lomo Pop 9 photo, My Fereshte is perched inside my medicine cabinet, next to a box of "tattoo" band-aids purchased at a 99¢ Only Stores. She has since been injured in a cross-country move, and cannot be repaired with the simple peel and stick of a tattoo bandaid, but I will fix her soon. Especially because she might get some new friends, and I don't want her to have a handicapped deformity-inferiority complex. She's my alpha statuette.

In general I like photographs of toys, dolls and statuettes. They are cute, fantastic and creepy. Brooklyn's Dollar Dream and Jersey City's 99¢ Super Store (more on this place in a future post) supplied some stellar additions to my fancy. I am seriously considering starting a collection of statuettes. Like I need more junk. This post is way too about me, so let's cut the crap and get to sensin.

This is Heidi Klum's new baby Johan cuz the way he's propped up, his daddy must be a Seal.

This is adorable, and looks a lot like me as a baby. They really broke the mold with me, and like Missy Elliot says "my style can not be duplicated or recycled. This chick is a sick individual"
Narcisissm. Bite it.

Oprah's Angel Network

I feel like this is a scene from the aftermath of the Asian Tsunami. Babies floating on giant Papaya boats trying to eat, and survive drowning at the same time. Survival's a bitch.

One more baby and this would have been a hit TLC song.

Future video ho. She has been influenced by rap music at a very tender age, and is attempting to get her eagle on.

That Anne Geddes shit is mad corny.

Perez Hilton has nothing on me. Zahara Jolie and David Banda pose for their first photshoot for Bono's One campaign. 99 SENSE EXCLUSIVE!!!

Afro-lesbian wedding cake toppers. No lie. (Slight lesbo-exaggeration)

White babies are the new Guatemalan maids.
Whoever had the brilliant idea of sculpting a white baby plunging a toilet ought to be my best friend. And you know it ain't her log clog cuz the kid doesn't even use the toilet, she's still in diapers!

At some point, Jesus is going to become more than a role model for Christians, but for the Pro-Ana movement. It's inevitable.

Every statuette aisle has a red-light district for pedophiles and their little baby whores.
Seriously, what's up with that? If you look closely, they even have ass-crackletoe.

It's Oprah as Miss Sophia in the Color Purple: The Musical, and her little Gayle doll.

We just need one more with a microphone and we can package the three up, and sell them on BETQVC as the black american dream trio.

I swear I didn't put that little boy on the dog. But whoever did, thank you.

Dollar Dollar News Y'all

2007-05-09T02:37:00.000-04:00

Hold on to your flying pants kiddos, I added a link to my sidebar that takes you on a google news search about Dollar Stores.
I know. Very exciting stuff.
Ring ring ring.... Hello?
Crimestopper calling!
Now we play America's Most Wanted.

Quad City 5-0 wants you to identify this train.
$1000 Reward.

This dollar store may be declared a public nuisance . I bet i could find some real official fucked up shit in there. Like a crackpipe with a doody stain.

And a fantastically awful Spider Man coloring book was discovered in a discount store. Pictures jacked from this blog. Great stuff.

I am looking for my multicultural pack of crayola crayons immediately upon completion of this post.

Big Up To Brooklyn

2007-04-30T23:59:00.000-04:00

Finally! It has happened to me. Right in front of my face, and I just cannot hide it. Did you think I was going to keep on walking, I ain't talking to you anymore? Well, now I've come along, and brightened up your wo-o-orld, because I went out on 2 fantastic 99 Sense missions last week and I'm tossin', turnin. My heart's burning from the things I saw. I've also decided to live my life like it was like a mash up of CeCe Peniston songs. Sue me. That chick had undeniable pep.

So what I dids was

to Fort Greene, Brooklyn, and hit up this sizeable outlet.
it felt
And the first thing I'm going to do is shout out my homegirl. To any and all of my friends reading this, from this point on, if I ever see your name on a discount something, you're gonna get a shout out. Know this!

No Show Ped is something that happens on Law & Order: SVU when the perp jumps bail.

Now, to tell you the complete and honest truth, I'm a hybrid of CeCe-Beyonce-Natalie Imbruglia because I saw so many fantastic things this week that I'm feeling soooo crazy right now, and I'm completely torn about the direction to take this post in. I really need to clear my head. So, when in doubt, douche.

Choose the flavor that is right for you!

Introducing the America Ferrera feminine hygiene collection. Made with Sweet Love. The most trusted celebrity for douching, reminding you that even if your "Betty" down below is ugly, she doesn't have to be smelly.

The reason you douche is because you have a yodel of musk. This takes it down to a whisper.

Correct me if I'm wrong ladies, but if your Gyna smelled like a strawberry shortcake doll, you'd be more paranoid that passersby could smell it, than confident, right?
That or you'd start doing doing yoga to increase your flexibility to get your nose closer to your crotch for some up close sniffies. Strawberry shortcake doll scent was like crack.

By unique cleansing and deodorizing effect, I really hope they mean that they've invited those scrubbing bubbles to the party in your panties. All those little mustaches! Don't front like that doesn't sound like fun.

More like The Lost Book. When you're the former NYC Police Commissioner, and your book ends up at a 99 cent store in the city where you formally commissed, that shit is just cold. They should have outleted these in Boston, where people front like they definitely don't care, but they might buy it because they actually do, and are looking for some more good ideas that are about a decade behind the times.

Finally, a cereal made just for me!

Step on these to break your mother's back.
(corny, I know.)

You know how they say asian guys have little penises? And how chicks love them donkey dick motherfuckers? It's great that the chinese have discovered a supplement that when used in tea tricks women into thinking they've found their very own Long Dong Silver. Crafty asians!

Two Chungs at one time! Threesome Tea!

I've already covered corned beef in juices in this post, but what I find interesting is that both were made in Uruguay. I have to say that I'm slightly intrigued to find out more about the potted meat industry and precicely what part Uruguay plays in it. I love the Guays. Uru, and Para. I'm down with some Guay pride.

I saw this and was like Duh! What else do you do with rice?
Which got me thinking, (not hard, mind you)
Blow Up Rice?
Throw Up Rice?
What else up would you do with rice? Leave me a comment.
I never thought I'd see rice marketed to Oreos.

Don't they mean China?
Oh no, rice again!
(sorry for all the possible anti-asian sentiment today, that's just the way the fortune cookie crumbles)

These two items aren't particularly amusing, but I'm for really real terribly allergic to seafood visually, orally, stomachly, scentally, and the whole shebang. There was a whole section of terrible awful disgusting Vitarroz seafood products and I was only able to capture a couple of the worst offenders before the warm gonna vom juice let loose in my mouth. I will have nightmares for months.

Here's where imagination fun happens. From what I gather, Melloream is some fake milk derivitive. Not interesting. But when i saw the word Melloream and the cow, i thought "Cow Delorean", and imagined that the cow was like, from back to the future, but really from the past, like Oregon Trail days, and That Doc, and Marty and I would ride the flying time traveling cow to places where we didn't need roads, and then we would all die of dysentery.

More fun with my thoughts...At a Los Angeles environmental conference on clean air attended by Governator Arnold Swarzenegger, a Soy Bomb-like heckler bursts through the crowd and hurls this at Arnie exclaiming "Cohagen, give the people air!"

99 Sensing is fundamental. I actually learn things sometimes. I was drawn to the twin elephantitis of this product, but also because I didn't know what Jackfruit was. And If you don't know, now you know, Nigga.
(you like how I brought it back to Biggie Smalls, whose mother famously said "Big up to Brooklyn" at the MTV VMA's when she accepted an award on her late son's behalf. Right? Oh, you didn't notice. Well, that's why I pointed it out)

Black Hair Is

2007-03-26T22:10:00.000-04:00

In my young lassieness, when I would go up to 125th st I used to see a hair salon called Black Hair Is. My smart aleck ass always had some rediculous "is what?" comment, but I'm not that smart anymore, as you've already discovered reading this blog. I tried to find it in the yellow pages to prove it to you, but it doesn't seem to exist anymore. I guess Black Hair wasn't. When I lived in LA, I used to always pass this salon near my house called Oh! My Nappy Hair, which had an annex called Oh! My Nappy Talent Agency. I wish I could make that shit up. The point of my rambling is that I went into Ralph's Discount City on Chambers St. this weekend, and found myself ackin' like I was doing research for my final paper and updo demonstration at Miss Quantanisha's hair school.

Whitepeoplesaywha?
Peep it.

So I used to know this Jamaican dude whose mom sent him up to summer camp with a Tub O' Butter. I know black people love cocoa butter because I am one of them, and I do, but I found it so unbelieveable that until this weekend, I kind of thought I was making it up.

and this is a message in a bottle. from god. that he exists.

Whose stankin ass thought this was a good idea? It's not bad enough that you have excessive hair loss right? They should call this stuff Joke Sauce.
Wanna know why?
Cuz at summer camp one year, I bought a jar of minced garlic at the supermarket and raided someone by putting it in their hair while they slept. Call me hairdresser.

For the Whinny Coopers in your life. Julia Roberts, and Hillary Duff endorsed.

Does the word placenta make anyone else gag? They should call this Deep-Baby-Bagina Shampoo and Conditioner. It would still make me vom, but at least I would laugh first. That sounds messy.

Glowing. Shiny. See the picture on the left?
No joke needed.

Liquid. Vaseline. Bear Oil.
I nearly collapsed.
Presenting: AmIbearornot.com.
*Warning* gay dicks. Very NSFW.

I dream that Savon Germicide Idole is her name, and she is a Dominican-Brazilian princess.

The jig is up. Secret is out. Last week on Top Model, Tyra told all the world of the "Black Girl Pat" frequently put to use by those with weaves, updos and careful braids.

Tyra image courtesy of fourfour
Sounds to me like a job for:
when your fingers are just too solid to get up in there.

What up with your homeboys?

all I know is, after perusing the texturizing/relaxing aisle, I considered starting a new blog altogether. Just photos. no words. I couldn't possibly compete with the inherent hilarity.

Just let your soul glo. Let it shine through.

You know who this chick is right? That's Diddy's baby mama Kim Porter. I've always read she was a model, but with her face looking all touched by Omarosa I kind of didn't believe it. But now we all know why she a) stays with Diddy even though he's probably boned Fonzworth up the batty and b) collects child support from 2 celebrities. My mom was a hair model. I know that shit don't pay.

I bet Matthew Knowles pushed Kelly to do this....after her album got pushed back, but before Beyonce got Sports Illustrated. Poor Kelly Rowland got Sub-Solanged. Well, at least her moisture situation replenishes, that will preserve her sexy until her album finally gets released.

If you didn't click on the hairdresser link before, shut your face, don't scroll nowhere, and click this damn video. This chick owns me. I find myself singing this on the toilet first thing when I wake up in the morning. That's way more than you wanted to know about me but it's the damn truth. She's a real tease-a-louise.

Breaking News

2007-03-02T17:31:00.000-05:00

My best friend forwarded this to me. How she found it, I have no idea, but she's the effin bomb, and I am often greatful of her random acts of thoughtfulness and the way she finds the perfect things that fit into my life. I guess Dionne Warwick and Friends (not the psychic ones) made a good point when they sang That's What Friends Are For. I'm gonna send that girl a harmonica with braids.

Police-Involved Shooting Reported Outside Dollar Store

POSTED: 10:26 pm EST March 1, 2007

UPDATED: 1:36 am EST March 2, 2007

Philadelphia police reported an officer-involved shooting Thursday night outside a dollar store in the Overbrook section of the city.The shooting occurred at about 9 p.m. after police were called to a strip mall at North 56th Street and Lancaster Avenue, NBC 10's Mike Strug reported from the scene. A 30-year-old man was shot outside a dollar store and transported to the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania, where he was listed in critical but stable condition.

Officers were called on a report of a disturbance in a maroon sport-utility vehicle in the parking lot that had six people inside -- a man, two women and three children, police said. Everyone got out of the vehicle, except the man, who stayed inside. Police said an officer hurt his hand when he attemped to get the man to come out by breaking one of the vehicle's windows with a first. The man still refused to show his hands or exit and a struggle ensued. Strug reported that, according to one account, the man reached for something in his waitband, prompting one of the officers to discharged a weapon, and the man was shot in abdomen. Police are continuing to investigate the shooting.

source: nbc10.com

How much do you wanna bet that this tussle was over some discount maxi pads?
No money?
Ok. You win.

But forreal 'do, my favorite thing about this article is that as you can see from the original posted date, and the updated date, that someone took some time to change something in the article, yet they still overlooked the misspellery ( i know that's not a word) of the two words I bolded, which should be fist and waistband.

Idiot news jerks.

Back Like Crack

2007-02-25T13:55:00.000-05:00

I visited Mareb 99¢+ Store Plus (that's what the awning crudely said, the "+" and the "Plus" manually added with tape and spray paint) on Lenox Ave between 115th & 116th in Harlem. It's black history month, ya know? I kindly asked the man at the register if I could snap some pictures around the store. At first they gave me the run around and said I had to talk to the boss. There were 3 guys in the store, and two of them said the next was the boss, and the third said the boss wasn't there. But they eventually came around.

So to kick it off, the cashier would like to know how you're all doing.

Just fine, thanks.

First up, I couldn't believe it. Travel size Ebon-Aide! I haven't found Ebon-Aide for sale since my previously discussed 2002 windfall. Seriously, I couldn't be more pleased. I could end this post, or my life right now.

This is Mabel. Mabel used to be part of a WWF tag team called Men On A Mission, and they were like the Fat Boys of the WWF, and I loved them. See?

Awesome black history. Sing it like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy y'all....Fat guy in a hammerpants......

There's no kitchen-ass weave complete without discount weave bonding spray. For examples of kitchen-ass weaves, please check out the cast of either season of Flavor Of Love, or visit Hot Ghetto Mess. Please.

This product is so pointless, I like to imagine it's for a weather wizard, and when applied 1.21 Jigawatts of raw electric energy will explode from their armpits. And for that purpose, with purchase of this product you're getting the best deal in the whole damn store.

Rich & Thick...This Ketchup should be repackaged and branded for Star Jones. She needs a job, right?

Benign Girl makes a triumphant comeback to the blog. I find it ironic that Benign Girl is endorsing cell phone use, when cell phones have been linked to brain tumors.

With Juices? Ugggggh! I love love love corned beef, but this can makes me want to vom. There is little more disgusting than meat juice. Or can juice. Two of my friends once drank the juice from a can of black beans in my presence, and I'm still traumatized from it. I can feel the hot vomit saliva starting to well up in my mouth right now. I have to move on.

Oh really? The bags work when I'm not at home? There isn't some odor force field that stops working 20 paces from home base like every other plastic bag? I hope you have a patent on this ground breaking technology.

Florida Water Cologne. Hmmm...I'm glad this says it's extract of oranges, cinnamon and florals, because I've been to Florida a few times and what I remember about the water is that it smells and tastes like fart.

Word up, and wash up.
If you don't know it, check out this song If You Must, by Del Tha Funkee Homosapien. It's an awesome reminder to wash your ass, your hair, and brush your teeth or else you'll be funkay.

Do I even have to say anything about this perfect find?
I'd just like to see how they're irregular. I hope they have a seam up the asscrack to lift and give definition like those Bunz underwear International Male used to sell. You probably don't know about those. But I do.

Are these for the kinky and depraved?
For people who call sex "screwing?"
For people who have sex with swine? (Did you know they have curly penises?)
I had to investigate. This is twisted pleasure.
Like fucking Mr. Softee.

I did something new. I checked out the budget DVD section. All flicks are supplied by this company DigiView, and they put out obscure DVD's that look to be of bootleg quality. But That didn't deter me from looking because sometimes the dog eats the wedding ring, and you have to dig through the excrement to find it.
And find did I do!
I picked up a little known movie called BMX Bandits, starring a 15 year old Nicole Kidman. Same rat mouth, less botox.
Check out this interview with her, featuring some clips from the flick

Now, this item is the probably the most awesome thing I have ever found in a discount store. 1982 Phillipine James Bond spoof The Impossible Kid starring Weng Weng, a 2'9" martial artist kicking all kinds of ass. He's the shortest actor to ever have a lead role in a film.
check the clip. No joke, I might have to have a viewing party for this movie.

Old News Is Still Good News

2007-02-20T22:10:00.000-05:00

Yo, to all 3 of you who read this, and to any potential future readers, I just want to say sorry for not updating in a minute. I've been longing to log some real winners, but all the stores I've gone into recently have been complete duds. Which leaves me longing for one of two things I miss about Los Angeles 99¢ Only Stores (L.A. friends, if you read this, you don't count. I will always miss you, much like Whitney sings that she will always love you.) But yeah, the 99¢ Only Stores, guaranteed, always had something good. always.

So I found this article from the San Diego Union-Tribune about 99¢ Only Stores, and I am going to post it in it's entirety, because things from newspapers tend to disappear on the internet, and I want this to live forever. Fame! (rememba, rememba, rememba....)

99 sense of humor: priceless

Store CEO doesn't discount wackiness in advertising

By Norma Meyer
COPLEY NEWS SERVICE

July 24, 2005

CITY OF COMMERCE – "Attention! Potential Runaway Brides" an ad by the 99 Cents Only Stores razzed, in a nod to famous groom-dumper Jennifer Wilbanks. It urged not to leave home without two 99-cent bargains: nationwide calling cards and "socks for cold feet."

They don't just sell under-a-buck wares like hemorrhoid cream, cat food, motor oil and Looney Tunes baby wipes. They take kitschy pop culture potshots. In weekly off-the-wall newspaper ads, the 99 Cents Only Stores milked the Michael Jackson acquittal, once bid 99 cents for O.J.'s Heisman Trophy and wished birthday celebrant Joan Rivers "Happy 99th Facelift."

"I think this is the one time we went over the line," Eric Schiffer, the 99 Cents CEO devilishly grins as he points to one of his 1998 newspaper ads. It touts a "Father's Day Special" – parent-killer Lyle Menendez's memoirs for just 99 cents.

That prompted nasty phone calls from "all women," Schiffer says, although none groused that in the same full-page display Niagara drinking water was deliberately misspelled Viagara water.

Each week, the good-humored Schiffer ("I'm just a crazy guy") and a handful of employees try to come up with a zinger to help hawk name-brand, close-out and regular merchandise at the chain's 225 retail stores in California, Texas, Arizona and Nevada. Since opening its first store near Los Angeles International Airport in 1982, the company, which bills itself as the oldest one-price retailer, has often planted insy asides near the top right-hand corner of its full-page newspaper ads. ("Don't worry Oprah ... we will stay open for you" a recent blurb vowed, after the talk-show host was turned away from a Hermès boutique in Paris 15 minutes past closing time.)

It figures that a chain that gets value merchandise for odd reasons – it acquired pallets of upscale barbecue tools because the manufacturer stamped them "Stainless China" instead of "Stainless Steel, Made in China" – would also relish oddball gimmicks. At each location's grand opening, the first nine customers get a 19-inch color TV for 99 cents and the next 99 a scooter for 99 cents. (A man spent five nights in line outside the Beverly Hills-adjacent store, where Richard Gere supposedly was once seen buying a case of San Pellegrino water and where Vanna White dropped in for toothpaste.)

The 99 Cents Only Stores even boast a bridal registry with "over 9,999 exciting choices." So naturally, before the recent British royal wedding, 99 Cents noted in its ad it was the "Official Bridal Registry for Camilla."

A few Brits responded. "One woman called and said 'I would like to register her for something,' " says customer service rep Pamela Graham. "I said, OK, what is it? She said, 'How about rat poison?' "

Ask nine-centric Schiffer how many people brainstorm on an ad, and he answers, of course, "Nine."

"Whatever crazy idea pops into our heads, we float them around a couple people, and if nobody says it's going to get us in too much trouble, then we run with it," says Schiffer, the son-in-law of 99 Cents founder Dave Gold. "There's no method to our madness."

With no outside PR firm or ad agency, the creative noggins are usually Schiffer and buyers at the corporate offices, located in a graffiti-tagged industrial area in the City of Commerce, southeast of downtown L.A. Outside, company vans are emblazoned with a warning to would-be robbers: "Drivers Carry 99 Cents Only." Inside, the headquarters are whimsical and colorful, with front pages of old newspapers lining walls and rooms stacked with displays of 99 Cents deals, like Elvira's Night Brew lager beer and Mary-Kate and Ashley shampoo.

"I'm involved, as I say, at attempted humor," says 99 Cents beverage buyer Daryl Merson. He's conjured up numerous gag ads, including one that ran several times lauding "The Perfect Combo" – a four-pack of toilet paper for 99 cents and a bottle of similarly priced prune juice.

The supermarket-sized 99 Cents Only Stores, after all, are part of pop culture. Jay Leno, Ellen DeGeneres and other comedians have done bits on them. Mick Jagger shot a music video in a store. Adam Sandler strolled down the brightly lit aisles in "Punch Drunk Love." The bargain bevy was even the star of a surreal L.A. small-theater musical, "Splendor: A 99 Cents Only Stores Wonderama" (As co-sponsor, 99 Cents generously provided props and costumes off its store shelves).

Famed German photographer Andreas Gursky was so taken with the vivid interior of the Sunset Boulevard store, he shot a picture of it that later hung in New York's Museum of Modern Art.

When Gursky's manager first called, asking to do a photo shoot, Schiffer said the company didn't understand who he was. "We said it's probably some spy from the 98 Cents Store, and we hung up on him," recalls Schiffer, a former electrical engineer.

So what's not fair game for a 99 Cents barb? "Tragedy," Schiffer firmly states.

"Like if there was a plane crash and 99 people died," Merson says.

On the pleasant end, celebrities can get accolades ("Happy 99th Birthday! Thanks for the Memories!" to Bob Hope in 2002) or special deals ("Attention: Oscar Winners, Trade in your Oscar ... for any item in the store!").

But celebrity justice is another matter. "NOT GUILTY!" a 99 Cents ad shouted the day after Michael Jackson was acquitted of molesting a 13-year-old boy. An asterisk noted, "of charging more than 99 cents."

Schiffer says his mother-in-law, Sherry Gold, had stopped by the office for lunch and thought that one up.

When O.J. Simpson's Heisman Trophy was put on the auction block in 1999 to help pay his civil judgment for the double-murder, the 99 Cents Only ad bid 99 cents with the slam, "This will be our worst buy ever." When the chain sold Simpson's self-serving book, "I Want To Tell You" for 99 cents, it was advertised as the worst buy in the store.

Simpson's fuming sister, Carmelita, stormed into the Beverly Hills-area store and bought all the books, Schiffer says with amusement. "She asked the manager, 'Are there any more in the back?' and he said 'Oh no!' As soon as she left, he put more on the shelves."

Others haven't gotten the joke. An ad during a stock-market plunge offered nine Internet stocks for 99 cents. "Someone sued us, but the judge threw the case out," Schiffer says.

Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda in 1992 "went absolutely crazy" on a TV show, Schiffer says, over "Congratulations Dodgers on Losing 99 Games."

The discounter went the whole 99 yards this spring when the Los Angeles Lakers basketball team was knocked out of the playoffs. As a farce, 99 Cents Only still advertised "2005 Lakers Playoff Tickets!" for 99 cents. In smaller print, it noted, "Unfortunately, the Lakers did not make the playoffs. Actual Lakers 2005 playoff tickets are not available."

That didn't stop fans from trying to order them.

"They thought we had tickets. I was like, 'Do you guys follow the sports?' " says Graham, the customer service rep. "They kept saying, how many can I get for 99 cents? How many can I get?' I finally said, 'You want 99? Maybe 99.' "

Source: San Diego Union-Tribune

Fun With Google

2007-02-08T22:27:00.000-05:00

Cranked out another collab with Google and found this auction on ebay. From what I can gather via continued Googling, is this has something to do with scrapbooking, AKA, Crapbooking. All I know is, the item sounds something that would interest one of my favorite bloggers, Cathy Sampson.
so says it:
This is an idea booklet that has never been for sale. Collect them all! There are over 120 different crop talks and handouts from various Creative Memories events. This item comes from a smoke free home and will be shipped flat in a manilla envelope.I have not nor have I ever been a Creative Memories Consultant.Please check out my other auctions to combine and discount shipping! The first croptalk will be $1.50 shipping and each crop talk after that will be $.50 to ship. After the first ten croptalks, they will be $.20 each to ship. I include surprise goodies in all my auctions!

Go read Cathy Sampson. She boggles my mind.

You've Come A Long Way, Babe

2007-02-08T00:29:00.000-05:00

So I've been hitting up discount stores for quite some time, buying odd items, and displaying them where I live. Today, we take a look into my past. While checking the medicine cabinet in my parents house this evening, I discovered they too were still holding on to a piece of my 99 Sense that I have also taken along with me to each of homes since I've flown the coop. When I find something this good, I buy multiples (cuz shit, it was only 99 cents!) This fantastic item was purchased in 2002 in a 99 cent store on Chambers St. in Manhattan. I saw it, choked on the Dr. Pepper I was sipping, which led to spasms which almost made me completely vomit up the delicious Popeye's Fried Chicken I'd just eaten down the block.

Yes Vivica, at last.

I love every fucking thing about this.
I looked for other Ebon-aide shades, but the store only had Honey.

Color-match? Fuck yeah. It's like painting a house.
I was going to ask how, ask now, ask Sherwin-Williams, but black people don't hyphenate their last names, so I should have known that wouldn't work.

Some very thorough documentation on my part. I'm treating this like a miracle.

This is stripped down.
The swimsuit portion of my imaginary awesome product pageant

The money shot.
After all the hype, Honey was just another high-yella band-aid.
I think Mocha would have been my shade.

Check out Ebon-Aide.com to find your shade of outer blackness.

Google Schmoogle

2007-02-05T23:25:00.000-05:00

I been mad busy, and haven't gotten a chance to hit any stores. Actually, that's a lie. I have gone to a couple 99 cent stores, but they haven't had anything good, and that's super wack. I'm not going to waste my time trying to make something awesome out of nothing, like Hillary Duff.

So I did the next best thing, which is hit up google.

what I found isn't terribly interesting, but I just had to post something.

yeah, it's got googly eyes but this site is boring. I'm so much better.

And I found another blog that makes reference to 99 sense. It's called Capt. Cube, and I'm going to have to keep a watch on this fella. Who knows, maybe one day we'll be blog friends. Or perhaps I will have to destroy him.

Tyra Knows What's Up

2007-01-28T19:28:00.000-05:00

fantasmo!

"The Dream Is Still Alive"

2007-01-17T22:02:00.000-05:00

- Wilson Phillips
watch here. Listen and weep. It just makes me wanna...hold on for one more day!

My finds from 99 Dreams continue today. Are you ready?

Although passion and softness are two things that I really appreciate in regards to things that touch my womanhood, pads are way not the move. I'm reminded of a tampon commercial my friends and I found hilarious in the early 90's Wilson Phillips era, where a teenage girl emerges from a bathroom to show her friends her date outfit, and one of them asks her in a rad valley girl voice, "Are you wearing a pad? It's kinda bulky!"
What a trauma!

so on that note, Julie, I know there's pain. Why do you lock yourself up in these chains?

On a quick serious note: Click here to virtually donate much needed tampons and pads to women's shelters in your state. While donations of clothing, diapers and other needs are often met, this necessity is often overlooked.

¿Que....

the fuck...
es esto?
First the Pizza Sambos and now this? 4 varieties of latino soap. Warsh the dirty mexicans and shit. Discount stores be straight up racialist!
How much do you wanna bet they stock this at the hotel California tho?

Oh ginger snap! The Virgin Mary's cookie!

you got served.

just plain weird.

Survey: Mr. Clean's envious brother, or his competitive yet underachieving boyfriend?
Either way, I bet he's great for cleaning seamen.

Cute and kinda Engrish.
Here's another example of it's use
The artwork by the way, was hideous.

A combination of Engrish, blatant bootleggery and perhaps carelessness. Bust how they mangled Cross Country, there is no motorcycle, and the statement on the bootleg McDonalds truck says "More Delicacy More Happiness" and the bootleg Coke is Coco Col.

I was drawn to this high grade terylene muffle because i didn't know what terylene was but it looked very cheap. I did a little research and turns out it's mostly used to make jewish table linens and yarmukles. Ouch.

Someone should send a case of these muffles to Britney Spears. She'd love them.

Bootleg Hello Kitty products can't stop, won't stop.

cuz you're a...

IT'S NOT A TUMOR!
also note: these dolls look like Wendy and Chyna from Wilson Phillips!

I Have A Dream

2007-01-15T18:36:00.000-05:00

On this Martin Luther King holiday, I too had a dream.

as real as it may seem....

it was only in my dreams.

So today's post is about dreamy things I found in midtown Manhattan's 99¢ Dreams.

yes please.

dreaaaaming.....

dreeeeaming....

this baby is dreaming so deeply, she doesn't even realize she's taking off all her panties.

Sambo pizza chefs? Now that's what I call equality!

Ooh, now here's my nightmare.

This ugly Russian bitch kept following me around the store,
smoothin out my sheets, and soakin in my tub.

I know hotlinking is bad, but I can't find an audio host of my own, and in my typical tacky fashion, I want to send you off today with an audio clip from one of my favorite movies ever, Coming To America. "You ain't never met Martin Luther The King". Keep dreamin, kiddoes.